Frustrated, angry or hurt?

When I’m feeling frustrated, angry or upset with another person, my default reaction is to take one of two approaches:

I put my feelings in a box and get practical. Focus on solutions, without admitting to myself what’s really going on underneath.

Or I get stuck in blame: what I wished they’d change. How they’ve affected me. It usually stays in my head, unless I’m under a lot of pressure and eventually press the “f*ck it” button.

Obviously, neither of these approaches are helpful in the long term.

The best approach usually happens when I do this instead:

I stop and remove all distractions.

I set a timer for an hour and do nothing.

I’m not meditating: I want to see what thoughts and feelings emerge.

The thoughts typically come first: an argument I’m having with them in my head.

I then come into my body, listening to what’s there.

I feel my feelings.

Let them out until my nervous system calms.

I pause in that quiet.

Then reconnect with the sense of care I also have for the person involved.

Which is possible now I’ve attended to myself.

Next, I ask myself a short but powerful question:

“What does love look like here?”

Not just for me. Not just for them. But for both of us.

And then I wait again.

Usually, I have a sense of my heart opening to both of us.

A remembering that we are both human in our own fallible, painful ways.

This doesn’t mean I “let it go” - whatever it is.

My feelings of anger, hurt or frustration are generally connected to something objective they are doing that’s not ok.

Or at least I recognise that their behaviour isn’t ok for me.

If they want to keep acting like that, they can.

They don’t “have” to do anything.

But if they want to stay in connection with me, something is going to need to shift. And I need to lead on that with behaviour that communicates “I love you but no.”

Not no to the person, but no to the action or attitude.

This process isn't easy. It takes time, effort, self-awareness.

Humility too. We usually get stuck in our perspective, don't we?

So another question I often ask myself in this process is “Am I the a**hole here?”

It helps me consider how I may be affecting them negatively, from their position at least.

It is worth it though.

Time and time again I’ve seen how it’s led to a radically different path than the one I was on.

And I’ve seen it in my clients too. Honestly, it feels like magic.

So over to you.

How are you going to create the conditions this week, that you can do a similar thing?

And when you're in touch with your own feelings, as well as genuine care and empathy for them,

What could love look like here?