Anxiety & Exhaustion in the Pursuit of Excellence

Smart, successful people hate feeling weak.

I learnt that when I had my first panic attacks, three months after I graduated from Cambridge in 2011.

We push ourselves to be better, to do more, to get results.

Self-critique is our superpower.

I will always spot what I've done wrong, how I've failed to meet the standard, way before you do.

It's a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

A hot flush up the back of my neck.

When your body starts to rebel, from exhaustion and anxiety, you criticise yourself relentlessly.

"WHY can't you do this anymore?"

"Don't be so ridiculous."

"What the f*ck is wrong with you?"

"Other people can't feed their kids - pull yourself together."

You pretend you're coping at work.

When the reality is you're drowning under pressure.

You get snappy at home with the person you love.

Turning into someone you hate.

Then you shame spiral or try to justify your behaviour.

Eventually a quiet voice in your head starts saying

"I can't do this."

"I can't do this."

Until it gets so loud that you're sat on you're own..

... your heart is pounding...

... hands are shaking...

.... you feel absolute dread..

... and start hyperventilating.

You're having a panic attack.

And it's going to be ok.

Your Inner Critic will hit hard later on.

Telling you to stop being so pathetic.

I'm here to tell you this:

💩 Panic attacks are like poos.

They're just a natural function of your body under certain conditions.

You probably don't want to have one in public,

but it's nothing to judge yourself about.

Instead of telling yourself in frustration:

"WHY is this happening?"

Imagine it's your best friend going through this.

Wouldn't you ask them the same question....

"Why is this happening?"....

with genuine interest and care?

Panic attacks are treated mainly as a mental health problem.

You get medicalised and prescribed drugs very quickly. I was, twice.

My panic attacks are primarily a communication problem.

(Note I'm using present tense - occasionally I still get close to having one again)

All you might really need is a confidential space to talk through what's going on with someone you can trust.

Someone who won't judge you like you do.

Someone who won't freak out.

Someone who doesn't need you to be that smart, successful professional you're tired of being 24/7.

They can help you to work out:

What's going on,

How you want things to change,

What action will help,

and support you to implement those changes.

Someone who will help you keep moving forward, even when that feels scary,

even when change requires courageous conversations you've been avoiding.

But the most important conversation you need to have is with yourself:

Your body is trying to say something important.

You haven't been listening so now it's started to shout.

What is it trying to tell you?

Once you start listening,

REALLY listening,

you won't believe how quickly things can change.