Don't do this to your kids

If you earn £100K or more, you must fix this while you can.

At this level, some things become easier because you're able to smooth the way with increased income.

But there's one thing money can't fix:

And that's the pain your children are going to experience when you die - which really could be in the next 6 months - if you haven't built the relationship they secretly want with you.

Let me tell you as one of those children.

I love, loved, my Dad.

I would fight anyone over his reputation for generosity, intelligence, integrity and kindness. I'm fiercely loyal to him.

But we didn't have the relationship I wanted, and there's no getting around that.

My parents divorced when I was 8.

After that, I only saw Dad a few times a year.

I can't imagine how difficult their break-up was and this isn't about blaming either of my parents.

It's just about the realities of being a daughter who wanted to see her dad more, but didn't. End of.

When I was 16, I decided to take some initiative. I could make my own choices and arrange travel on my own.

We saw each other more frequently.

I'm so grateful for the dinners we had in London in my twenties, at All Bar One in Charing Cross.

Our trip to Cambridge for a few days in my thirties, when he got to meet my Director of Studies.

And yes, I'm grateful for those last few weeks of his life, last year.

Because although I didn't see him much as a child and adult, I was 100% there are the end, doing everything I could to make his life easier.

We only had six months between his diagnosis with cancer, and his death on the 13th February 2025.

He was 67. Bed bound. With a catheter.

Carers coming in four times a day because he couldn't get up on his own. Couldn't get to the toilet, so had to use a commode.

His body shrank so much his Rolex draped off his wrist. He was crying out in pain for about a week, from bed sores he never should have developed in hospital.

And this was from a man who, I'm told by a friend, never once complained about his senior leadership role in the civil service. Or ever, for that matter, during their long careers together.

Stage 4 lung cancer is fucking horrible, let me tell you.

But it still felt a privilege to make his coffee. Sit with him through his pain. Hand feed him medication when he couldn't manage it, because the tumours were affecting the mobility of his hands.

I saw a great, brilliant man go through all that.

And I am blessed from it, despite the huge amount of suffering that caused me.

I was determined to lead the entirety of his funeral. To write his eulogy with stories and rejoicings from family, friends, colleagues, neighbours.

Again, what a privilege to do that. To speak of his life to a packed room with 140 people attending. Many had to stand out in the foyer, they couldn't see directly inside.

It was the most profound experience of my life and has changed me, strengthened me, in ways I can't fully comprehend.

But my god did it sting writing my speech.

To hear of the relationships he had with others.

Time spent that I didn't have.

There is no way on earth my Dad would have wanted or intended for me to experience that pain. But it hurt more than I can possibly describe.

And we can't fix it now.

I'm living with the reality that, as much as I loved and am grateful for what we had, I wanted so much more.

I spent months working out whether to write about this. I don't want anyone to think badly of him. I certainly don't.

I just want to give him a hug. To tell him how much I love him. To thank him. So Dad, if you're watching from somewhere, please know that to be true.

But he's not here now and life is for the living.

If you have children who might feel the same way as me, then please, out of love for them, fix this while you can.

Even if you see them every day, are you engaging with them in a way that doesn't fill you with regret?

How can you prevent this from happening to your own kids?

Whatever your place in their life right now, and however old they are, here's some suggestions.

1) Find out what they would like to do with you this year.

Just ask them. Literally "What would you like to do together this year?"

Ask curious questions about it. Like "That sounds fun/interesting. Why would you like to do that?"

The interest and follow up questions make a big difference.

Get a plan for something in each quarter, just as I'm sure you're booking in things with your team.

Mix it up. Ask them to plan some of the activities, and you plan some yourself.

Adjust as needed depending on their age - it works for kids and adults.

2) Train yourself to put work down and be mentally and emotionally present

As complex as your work might be, this isn't actually about problem solving. There's always another to tackle.

It's about training your nervous system to release what it's been holding onto during the day, and turn your attention towards the ones you love.

Whether that means being present at dinner, replying to their messages asap, or taking more initiative to build a deeper, stronger relationship.

One key skill to develop is the ability to unhook from tricky dynamics with colleagues or others you interact with professionally.

That takes up a lot of bandwidth, I know.

I've created a 30 day meditation playlist to help you do just that.

Click here to go to my YouTube channel.

3) Write your own eulogy

Put yourself in the same shoes as I was in last year.

Imagine you die, like my Dad, in the next 6 months.

One of your children decides to write your eulogy (or contribute to it if they're still little).

What do you want them to be able to say about your relationship?

What would close friends and colleagues be able to say about you, that your child can't right now, because you're not as present with them as they might want?

Don't just think about this or make notes.

You need to actually write it out, as if you were them.

It's a completely different experience.

Take some time to do this quietly on your own - even if it's on a train.

Let that experience change you. Is there a gap between what you hope they can say about your relationship and how things actually are right now?

The intention isn't to make you feel guilty, it's to transform your behaviour.

Work is all consuming because it creates a strong emotional pull that draws your attention constantly.

To counteract it, you need to create a strong enough emotional pull towards your children instead.

Only an exercise like this can really do that, unless you're going through a health scare. And even when that happens, the deep knowledge of each others impermanence tends to wear off eventually, when things are ok again.

I'll end with this.

I know you care about the impact you have through your work.

But you'll never have more impact on someone than the impact you'll have on your children.

I promise you that.

If you want to build exceptional leaders, ones who'll carry on fixing this world when you're gone, start at home.

And start today.